Junkie Stories

Can you… Dig it?

I don’t know where I am. Please, someone, help me. I just woke up in a casket and all  I have is this shit-stained IPhone. What cruel person leaves me with a apple product? The last thing I remember is getting vulgarly raped by maladjusted eagles in the LA zoo. It was quite enjoyable, actually, I must admit, but I don’t want to suffocate to death. When in trouble… masturbate!
… 

It didn’t help. The only thing I can think of is obviously making a blog post. Perhaps I should call someone? No, it’s just such a boring thing to do - ask to be saved… which I earlier did. Anyway, does anyone have anything interesting to say to me while I struggle for air?

Dialogue between women #2.

”I am more of a logical person,” Väino spluttered, while arguing with Pablo over the complexities of life; ”I don’t follow emotions, only rationality.”
   ”But doesn’t saying that automatically prove that you are not? You see, human is a creature of feelings, our goal, whether we reassure our actions with common sense or not, is a certain emotion or an emotional state. Happiness, a peace of mind, love or whatever. Also, I can imagine a situation where you’d like keep away from some sensations.”
   Väino rolled his eyes up to the dirty ceiling and began articulating his argument, ”Let’s say that I’m in a store, picking and choosing between two cartons of orange juice. Obviously, if they are at the same price, I take the cheaper one. If I go to the cashier and he’s incompetent, I won’t get angry, yell at him and waste time. Money and time saved, isn’t it?”
   ”That is very true and I’m not trying to say that logic is worthless or non-existent, it’s just entwined with emotion. You chose the cheaper juice because you didn’t want to feel swindled, poor and embarrassed by it. If you had yelled at the cashier, perhaps later you would’ve felt regret? I’m certain that there are other ”logical people” who’d do the complete opposite. A more expensive juice, but not necessarily, could offer a better experience. They even might scream because it releases emotion, so you wouldn’t have to carry it around with you. With us, being human and armed with poor brains that can’t intuitively comprehend probability, how can we really understand rationality? To be exclusively and only logical is to be robotic, dull and inhuman.”
   ”You amuse me,” answers Väino, ”Of course everyone of us understands rationality.”

 ”What does the brain matter compared with the heart?”
- Virgina Woolf 

Dialogue between women.

The candlelight grazes the concrete walls, the inexcusable sweet smell of wine intoxicates the sewer and our eyes lock on three dark forms sitting that possibly remind us of human beings. Yes, there they sit - Pablo, Väino and last, but not the least, a dead body called Amanda Hugenkiss. If we are guessing right they are having a quiet evening with liquor inside their comfortable, cozy home.
   ” Aah, ” exclaims Pablo; ” This red liquid is certainly admirable, if not loveable. Alcohol has all the characteristics of a good companion - loyal, evokes true emotion in you and it is something with what you want to spend your time with. Marvelous isn’t it?”
   ” Quite so, ” answers Väino; ” But it doesn’t have one crucial thing. It is a taker, not a giver. ”
   ” What could it take from me? My youth? Haa! I laugh at adolescents, they haven’t had the experience of experiencing. Each wrinkle has taught me the violent tragedy of life and love, and with each tragedy I have fallen more in love with life.”
   ” My good man, ” Väino gazes deep in Pablo’s eyes. ” You are getting drunk and Amanda apparently hasn’t even got the tiniest buzz! Look at her, lying so quietly! I feel sad for him. Soberness chains you motionless and that itself renders you dull. It is a fault. I demand fierce imagination from everyone. ”
   ” I demand your lovely, veiny phallus in my holes. The corpse can wait, fill me up. I’m like a balloon waiting for it’s charming helium, albeit the helium is the charismatic semen. ”
   ” Oh, you! My penis is like the sun, growing the grass more hornier for more heavenly light and my butthole is like a freshly dug hole waiting for it’s filling lemon tree. Actually not lemons, the juice, excreting from pressing them, could turn out to be more than painful. Agony is something that I wish not to feel today. Perhaps tomorrow, when we’re living in the wasted hours. ”
  ” My desire accepts you, invites you and the exclusive invitations are ones that you shouldn’t dare to miss. It is all that lust is - a closed-circle party. ”
  Our friends fell on the floor, kissing and penetrating, when they suddenly heard a shriek cry. They thought that it was Amanda, but little they knew that Feildur was hidden behind the couch, taping the whole thing and selling for stupendous profits.

” Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. ”
- Albert Einstein 

A letter of immense dejection

” Hello, whoever founds this letter. I have decided that I won’t be in this world anymore. I refuse to be humiliated, played with and cast away. There is nothing to be done here anymore, except overdosing, of course.

When we are young, we are deceived and told that lots of nice and wonderful things will happen to us. Is there any proof that love or happiness exists? The evidence states that there is none. We’re merely waiting for the next week, next month, or perhaps, the next year, letting ourselves believe that then everything will be alright. Really? Anyone with a sane mind knows that this is not true. If you are miserable in the present then you’ll be wretched in the future. I have merely accepted my own death and realized that suicide is the only sign of higher intellect. NASA wasted their money looking in the space, you only had to look six feet deep in the earth. And yes, I know that they were looking intelligent extra-terrestrial life, but finding intelligent life on this planet would be a start.

I am certain that everything that I have written here will interest no-one, a fact that was the hardest to swallow. Artists just want to be seen, I fell into obscurity and will be waiting for a savior until my last breath, what will obviously occur sooner rather than later. Death also grants promotion, which I’ll gladly accept.

No need to fight now, give my love to Pablo - my best, if not only, friend, with whom I share great memories. If I was ever close to ”love”, it was with him, and the feeling teared my apart with every passing second. My life was disgusting and useless, but I still hope that you’ll…

Remember me, but forget my fate,
Väino, ”

The next morning Pablo finds the letter, and needless to say, he starts to panic. He starts searching for him, or his body, and finds him laughing behind the couch and saying; ” I forgot, I fucking love drugs. ”

Flying

Today was an amusing day, Pablo and I woke up in an aircraft, while it was being hijacked. We have no idea how we got there or why were we there, but one thing was certain - we were in a danger zone.

I woke up first and I found that we had occupied the bathroom. Little me tried to get Pablo out his dreamworld with different methods. At first I poked him with my phallus, then I yelled in his ear and lastly I fucked him up the anus. Turns out that he was already awake, he gained consciousness while I was unzipping my pants, before any of that happened. Didn’t notice it for some reason, but now I’m noticing his complaints: ” Oh, Väino! My ass hurts, my ears hurt, my ribs hurt! ” What a child, grow up!

While we were communicating in the toilet we suddenly heard gunshots and screaming. ” What is going on, ” Pablo asked, ” Oh no! There might be terrorists! ” Our brave friend shat his pants and demanded that I’d come up with a genius plan of how to escape. I thought that we should locate the parachutes and make our way to safety. Then, bang, and the terrorists heard came bursting in the door. Unfortunately they heard us, tied us up, took us to the back of the plane and raped Pablo 42 times ( Why count? ) These men got exhausted and finally left the room. ” Hey Pablo, I see twenty parachutes, ” I said to the victim, ” Let us try and break loose of these ropes! ” He didn’t say nothing, just twitched on the floor and cried. As always my trusty piercing helped me out, I cut the ropes with my colossal penis. Pablo was still on the ground and didn’t do anything. If he’s not going to do his bit, I’m not going to help him. ” Stay here if you want! ” I put on the parachute, poured gasoline everywhere ( I found it behind the parachutes. Who was allowed to do that? ) and opened the door. Air pressure sank dramatically and an alarm went off. ” Pablo, come on, ” I yelled, ” Cut yourself loose and we’ll go! ” I took some of the rope, tied one end to Pablo, one end to me and jumped out of the aircraft, while letting lighting the gasoline. Pablo was dragged out behind me and, unfortunately he hit his head while passing through the door.

There was a massive explosion, hundreds died and I thought that we escaped. But oh no, the terrorists also jumped out of the plane. We had a mid-air fight, blinded these cunts with my piercing. One of the bastards shot me, I ripped the bullet out of my body and threw at him, successfully killing the man. We landed in a field that was filled with parachuting blind men, crying and yelling for help. A truly beautiful sight! ” Pablo, I’ll drag you home, ” I said to him, ” You are such a pussy, but I’ll take care of you. ” I walk towards the sunset, while my latin friend was unconscious.

” Some people are more terrorist than others. ”
- John Keegan 

Oddity

This is Väino.

I despise dealing with drug dealers. One can steal from them and get away, but one can’t buy from them without getting conned. It makes ill, the system on what they have built their enterprise on. Pablo payed Di Rhea to get a pound of cocaine, but the swindler ran away as soon as he put the currency in the pocket. We had to run after him, what would have you done? ” Get back here, you disgraced butt-licker, ” I yelled, ” Give us back the money or you’ll be six feet underground tomorrow! ” He raised his middle-finger looking back at us and tripped over a half-opened sewer lid. This stroke of luck allowed us to capture him and take back the pennies. ” Kill him, ” Pablo told me, ” I’m tired of these fools. Let us show the gang what we’re capable of. ”

Fear was filling up in Di Rhea’s eyes. ” Stop it, take the drugs too. Just leave me alone! ” Pablo was determined to make this hour the man’s last. I took out my piercing and shoved it in his arm. I was sawing through his flesh relentlessly, while he was begging for his life, yelling for help. ” I don’t like the tone of his voice, ” Pablo murmured. His piercing entered just under his chin and smashed through his flesh, only for the tip to come out underneath his nose. I heard bones crack, the pain in his eyes was immense. The mouth was now shut tight, which, of course, added to the terror, and his face was covered in blood, still flowing. The man’s eyes were trying to roll to the back of his head, but somehow he maintained his consciousness. ” This will be your very last night, ” I saw a crazy look in Pablo’s eyes, ” You’ll never see your home again. Nobody will find you. ” Suddenly there was a gasping noise coming from Di Rhea. His body was in shock and he was trying to throw up. Pablo, with the piercing still holding his mouth shut, didn’t even give him a chance. A bit of the fluid bursted out from his teeth, but it was obvious that he was chocking on his vomit. By that time I had sawn to the bone and my piercing, not as magnificent as Pablo’s, didn’t cut through the bone. ” Break it and rip it off, ” Pablo ordered me, ” I’ll kill you too if you don’t obey me. ” He was drifting slowly into madness.

I stood up and went looking for a weapon that could help me crack his bones, while Pablo was blankly staring at his face, looking in the eyes of a dying man. I came back with an old baseball bat and started hitting his half-sawn arm. His face twitched with every hit, but thank God that now he wasn’t very responsive. Pablo laughed, pulled the piercing out his mouth, shoved me on the ground an took the bat. Di Rhea’s head fell on one side and quite a big amount of vomit came out. Pablo was whacking away with great power, spatters of blood were everywhere, and he didn’t stop until his arm was off. I was truly scared of him. For the next act he took Di Rhea’s hand and he took a big bite out of it. Now the crimson liquid was dripping for his mouth as he was looking at me. ” Bend towards me, Väino, ” He told me, ” I will fuck you in the pool of blood. ” He violently held me down and urinated on my back. Pablo was hitting me, shoving me and mocking me. The man, during insertion, was still peeing. I felt disgusted. ” Look at this Di Rhea. You’ll never see something like this again. ” I couldn’t stop myself and I threw up. ” You are just a man, I’m now a God, ” he fucked me in the ass, covered in vomit, blood and urine, ” That’ll teach you! ” Pablo’s strokes were getting faster and faster and I realized that he was going to come. He pulled out, stood up and inserted his phallus into the dead body’s mouth, ” This is what you get! ” I needed to escape.

Di Rhea’s was filled with sperm, but that wasn’t enough for Pablo. I was told to hold his mouth open, while he was excreting feces in. The warmth of the stool was felt, as was the smell. His red mouth welcomed the brown, some of it smudging his cheeks and some of it leaving a mark on my hands. Pablo lied down next to the corpse and started hugging it. It was a perfect moment for me to get the hell out of there. I ran as fast I could, thank goodness, he didn’t notice.

” Sameness is the mother of disgust, variety the cure. ”
- Petrarch 

Väino goes to a concert

It’s Väino and this is a story.

Today Pablo and I were walking by the Hollywood sign and found two dead bodies. Immediately we searched their bodies, looking for anything to sell, eat or smoke. We actually found two tickets for a concert. I’d tell you who was the artist, but I can’t read… What? Don’t look at me like that… I wonder why they were killed, I guess we’ll never know.

Pablo even wore his new panties for the evening. It was marvelous! We made it there a little late - we had sex in the woods. The security dude didn’t want to let us in, he said, ” You look too gay. Get out of here! ” Pablo was heartbroken. The last time he heard live music was when he was a little boy in some African village. My latin lover told me, ” When you grow sad and tired, then on some drunken night, in a capricious mood, you’ll say that you want to die from five minutes from now. The world will make it happen in five years. Life makes all of your desires come true much sooner than you’re ready for them. ”

His words were sad, for that I was completely angered. I revealed my piercing and blinded the guard with it! ” Take that, you Santa look-a-like, ” my innocent mouth yelled and the man was down on the ground, crying his eyes out. I took Pablo by the hand, we had to make it inside. Our ears were polluted by this terrible music, coming from this little man with a horrible haircut. I envied the dead. They must have known what was coming. Pablo took out his syringe and threw it at the performer. It landed right in his eye! ” For that I wasted my time, ” Pablo asked, ” this is an atrocity, I wish we’d never found the tickets! ” My latin man told me that we should leave, I agreed, but the people in the room didn’t. They thought that we had ruined their night out, they wanted us to pay for it. All the little children in the room attacked us with their lollipops. We didn’t want to kill kids, so we just handed out titty-twisters.

We made our way to the exit successfully and headed out. Pablo tripped on the guard, who was still crying, and twisted his ankle. ” You bastard, ” I yelled, ” now I’ll make you really pay! ” I raped the man… It wasn’t pretty. At the time we thought that everything was going to be fine, we’d just go home and forget about the night. What a foolish thought! The singer was standing in front of us, now, and demanding justice. ” You crackhead, ” he referred to Pablo, ” look what you did to me! I’ll kill you with my angelic voice! ” This man opened his mouth and he tried to pull the highest voice he could. Little did he know that Pablo and I were half-deaf because of the ear-sex we do! The only person he tortured was the security guard. What a bad day… For us! We decided to make the little singer pay instead and save the mankind. We did a fast vasectomy on him!

” Vasectomy means not ever having to say you are sorry. ”
- Larry Adler 

butterytesticles asked: Is this an autobiography?

Absolutely!

Anathema

Here is a story from when I still lived in Estonia and when I was still a young chap in school. I am Väino and fuck me.

It was a friday and my parents were away, so you know what this means. Yes, a party! At the time I didn’t take drugs, but I drank a bit. I asked everybody I knew to the loitering, everybody I asked came too. It was me and my imaginary friend Crablo - half man, half crab ( I detest him ).

It was four when Crablo came to my house. ” Ey man, let’s go down to the shop and get the liquor. Clack, clack! ” ( It’s his crabby legs doing the clack-clacks. ) ” Yeah Crablo, I got my fake ID right here too. Just a second though, I need to put my pants on. ” What an ass he is, he came into my room when I was naked… All over the bed. Getting the liquor was quite simple, they accepted the ID right away and we were out of there with a minute. We got five liters of vodka and no chaser.

We were partying ourselves into females, throwing up on candles, raping pillows and each other. It’s clear to all of us, isn’t it, that there’s no hope for us? ” Ey man, let’s go for a joyride, ” he demanded, ” Your car is waiting outside. Clack, clack! ” I couldn’t find my keys, so he tried to manipulate to breaking into my own car, and, of course, I listened to the bastard child of a crab. Boom! I punched a hole in the windshield and unlocked the doors. Crablo himself wired the car, then we were off. ” Ey Väino ( who is fourteen years old at the time ), let’s pick up some prostitutes. Clack, clack! ” I agreed unfortunately. I copulated with some prostitute, indeed, but Crablo stole a crab from some restaurant and made love to that.

I, very much drunk, thought that heading back to the house would be a good idea. Maybe it was, but crashing against a tree on purpose definitely is not! The shock of the crash was unfathomable, I was sobered up instantly. Crablo didn’t, for he was dead. Yes, the bastard child of a crab died ( who is also imaginary ). When I made it back to the house I saw it up in flames. I guess we shouldn’t had left the candles burning. That’s what you get from trying to make the evening romantic. Also I remembered that I don’t have a car. I jacked my mom’s and crashed it. What a suckcess!

” An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. ”
- Ernest Hemingway 

Atrocity

I’m standing on this edge horrified and humble, watching these people strive by. It makes one wonder if one also has a aim? Perhaps it’s the drugs and the adventures, for I am, again, in trouble. My name is Väino and this is another stupendous adventure.

The last time I saw Pablo he was kidnapped by the Mighty Morphing Flower Arrangers Gang. That was two weeks ago… They told me to bring back the drugs that we stole from them or they’ll kill him. So I came running back home and I thought I’d just shoot a bit of heroin and I’ll be on my way. Now I realized, as I am sobering up, that all this time has passed by, so I can only hope that my lover is still alive. I also must have faith that they’ll accept this half-full briefcase of drugs.

A breeze blows, birds sing and the air is thickened by pollution as this drug-addict walks down this LA street. I spot a police officer standing by his car, yelling in the radio. From what could I make out, he explained to the dispatcher that he was mad at a young boy who took a shit in his morning coffee. Some intoxicated little man did it completely out of blue, also, he peed on himself after he was arrested and was jacking off in the backseat of the police car. It made my day, I was laughing hysterically. The officer of the law didn’t like my attitude and he started hassling me. ” What’s in the case, ” he asked. The middle-finger was my response, to that his was smacking me to the ground and grabbing my genitalia. He twisted his arm, it hurt like hell. ” Why are you doing this to me, ” I demanded an answer. ” You are disturbing me, drug-addict. Besides, I don’t like your face. ” What a cunt!

During our little wrestle the dispatcher said something. She informed the man, who currently was messing with my children, that there has been a horrible murder and the plausible suspects are from The Mighty Morphing Flower Arrangers Gang. A latino junkie was the victim, the name was still unknown. A sensation of horror came over me, there I was, getting molested by a law-man and possibly my lover has been murdered thanks to our addiction. ” Tell me what’s in the case or I’ll rip your dick off, ” said this strange man. ” Drugs! Drugs! Are you happy!? ” He smiled. Pablo, did you really die? She gave a description that was very reminding of you.

” Get in the backseat, scum! You’re driving to the station with this masturbation-machine. ” I sat and that man looked me right in the eye and asked me, ” What took you so long ? ”

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!

” I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. ”
- Thomas Edison